measuring success & self worth.

***Update***

Since I have been stalked, contacted by the "young chic" who was briefly mentioned in this blog and she wishes that I would not discuss her in my blogs anymore...I've decided to "scratch out" (LOL) anything that may pertain to her specifically... 7/2/2009....

So, here I was glancing at some of the gossip columns...(yeah I look at them from time to time) and not solely for the celebrity gossip but for the responses that people leave in regards to the choices and lifestyles that "famous" people lead. I find it so very interesting how people view others who are in a certain position, who have obtained a certain amount of wealth and status as if they are different than themselves. This theory that "having" something, whether it is a degree or some status quo makes someone immune to the reality of life is really becoming peculiar to me.

One of the topics of discussion was a Tyra Banks show. The episode was regarding interracial dating and one of the guests on her show was a Black woman explaining her distraught about being Black and rejected by men of different races.

Black Woman: “No one understands how hard it is for a black woman. I’m educated. I was always raised to be able to take care of myself because if a black man didn’t want me then I would have to still be able to raise my kids and take care of myself. But what hurts so much is that even after accomplishing all this, black men don’t want me, white men don’t want me, asian men don’t want me, latin men don’t want me and it is so discouraging because at the end of the day I hear these stereotypes [about black women]. I’m loud. I’m aggressive. I’m gonna beat my man up or whatever and that is not the case”

Okay, did you catch it? Two things bothered me in this statement in which I would like to expound on:

1. I was always raised to be able to take care of myself because if a black man didn’t want me then I would have to still be able to raise my kids and take care of myself.

So, she was taught that a Black woman should take care of herself because a Black man may not want her, and will leave her with children to raise by herself? Wow. Seems that her mother (or whoever raised her) had a little bit of anger and resentment towards Black men and instilled that into her own child. Reminds me of the Willie Lynch letter and the theory that Black women have to be strong and independent because Black men are weak, and uncommitted to the Black family by nature or by force.

I often wonder if White women, Asian women, & Latina women get together and have these same types of discussions. Do Asian women sit down and say, "Please my daughter, whatever you do, become successful because an Asian man will leave you". Do White women do this? There is no denying that the institution of marriage has a very high failure rate in America in general across all racial and ethnic lines. Are Black relationships the only ones that suffer?

There is something to be said about Black women who flat out "hate" themselves and Black men...because why else would a Black woman think that Black men will leave and walk out on their children is the norm and to be expected and accepted?

2. But what hurts so much is that even after accomplishing all this, black men don’t want me, white men don’t want me, asian men don’t want me, latin men don’t want me...

This is how I used to view relationships. I had to be something/someone enormously spectacular in order to be capable of receiving love from a man because everyone knows that if one doesn't have a certain amount of status, material things, education, etc. thenn they are not worthy or capable of having a meaningful relationship. Instead of being honest about how I was struggling in college, I became this great collegiate who was on her way to becoming a lawyer. Instead of admitting that I was a mom who still lived at home with my own mom, I was "letting my mom live with me", lol... This is the typical measurement of worth by the value of outside sources that coincides with a persons self esteem and view of themselves.

I remember getting into an argument with my ex's new girlfriend with her telling me how successful she was because she had just graduated from college and how I was just working a "job". I advised her of how she was simply an "educated fool" and how could I determine this as fact? Well, of course because of the man she's dating who also is only working a "job" and may I also add, has never been to college. It's perfectly plausible for her to love a man who doesn't meet the criteria and standards that she herself lives up to and places on other women. What's good for the goose apparently isn't good for the gander...

Someone wasn't wearing their thinking cap.

For some, simply being the "chosen one" is enough to boost self esteem and give a false sense of love.

Like I said, I once had the same attitude.

The law of attraction is very real. Instead of trying to attract a mate because of the "things" that you feel are "virtues" like education, money, cars, beauty, and wealth let's work on that self worth, self respect, kindness, and generosity that will attract a mate who is WORTH having in the first place. There is nothing wrong with being educated and making a way for yourself as long as you do not use this as some type of validation that places you in a position above all others.

So what are we really dealing with here Black women? Are we truly dealing with the fact that Black men don't want us or are we dealing with some issues that may be pertaining to us as individuals? Do we love us? Why is there so much value in the Black community on "having a man" and not just the right man, but any man? I remember dating my ex and going through the abuse and having a friend tell me in so many ways that I gave her hope that she could have the same thing. I would often tell her some of the details (of our seemingly picture perfect bond) but not all of them and she made me feel like I was complaining and making things out to be bigger than the were. Not until I finally left him (and she knew it all) did she realize that the problems I was having were warning signs that I should've taken in order to escape a long time ago.

This need to project a certain image of success prevented me from seeing the truth. The fact that my self esteem was low and the way I valued myself was based on things outside of me, what others thought and the fear of loneliness=failure.

If someone doesn't want you, your world doesn't have to end. Just find someone who does and for the right reasons.

How do you measure your self worth?